I'm staring at a computer screen in my Fantasy Auction draft war room in Boca Raton, FL. It's 2015, my twelfth year as general manager of the Cannonball Dookies. The scene around me looks like I'm at NASA headquarters: old-school notebooks scattered everywhere, a huge screen at the front of the room and computers flashing with statistical analysis, a bong on the corner of the desk begging for another hit...
But I'm not trying to launch a rocket. I'm just trying to figure out what to make of the kid whose name is printed on the scouting report I just googled: Jay Christopher Cutler.
You can guess the basics of what I was looking at. Rocket arm. Decent numbers in '14. Good pedigree. New coaching staff. New hopes. New dreams.
I put on his 2014 highlight tape, and I see the strong arm, quick release, consistent velocity and leadership abilities. There are also some negatives—throwing off his back foot, floating the ball and overall footwork—but fanboys say those deficiencies could be overcome with time and proper instruction from Gase.
I click over to the next tab in my browser, which has quotes from coaches, teammates and CCS posters. Desbro says, "Jay Cutler is a gamer. He's a guy that will try not to lose at all costs." PIB: "The best quarterback in the NFC North. Will only be validated the next few years." HBK: "He does everything right. He's smart, makes the right throws, is accurate, can run. He's everything you're looking for in a quarterback."
I think to myself, "This kid could be a steal. But I need to be careful with how much he costs me."
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I drafted Jay Cutler. Why?
The story starts with Carson Palmer.
History hasn't treated the year Palmer had in 2014 very well, nor the team they had built that year in Arizona. What goes forgotten is the dominance they displayed most of the season. Now, I had managed to get Carson Palmer earlier in the draft for $6. Good value I thought, but I wasn't completely comfortable with the thought of resting my season solely on that knee. Some insurance was in order.
I waited in the shadows for just the right opportunity while fellow GM's hastily spent their cash. RB's, WR's and TE's flew off the board one after another, still I waited for the right moment. With my very last position needing to be filled and $2 left I struck like a cobra.
"Jay Cutler for $1" I shouted... laughter and taunts from my fellow GM's rained down on me like a sudden Florida thunderstorm.
"Going once" our commissioner yelled....
*crickets*
"Going twice" our commissioner shouted....
*crickets*
"SOLD to Cannonball Dookie for $1" the commissioner bellowed. I could hardly believe my luck.
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I wish I could say this story has a happy ending. I wish I could say he's lead my Dookies to fantasy football glory these past few weeks. But, that remains my wish. As we head into week 7 I take solace in the fact that Jay Cutler remains on my bench ready and waiting for his opportunity to shine in week 9 when Palmer is on bye...
We'll see who's laughing then!
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Lance Stone is a Message Board Cancer
He drives down traffic with his childish gifs. Get a life, bro. Or a blog. Join the living and engage in serious online discussion.
Do you need a fucking road map?
Do you need a fucking road map?
I am going to star in Johnny's video
In case you didn't know, our very own Johnny is an up-and-coming artist. Writes, performs, and makes music videos for his own music. Well, I figured I would help Johnny promote his burgeoning genius by agreeing to do a starring cameo in his music video. Stay tuned.
Wild Card is the SHIT
Wild Card will fuck you up without thinking twice. He can ride on the back of my gator with an AK mounted on the hood any day. We don't need an AK in the back because we have Wild Card who will destroy you with his gaze alone.
Got it? Good. PERIOD.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Hey, I Remember One Time in 1988 in Bixby, Oklahoma
Junkyard Dog was doing doughnuts in a Camaro in Cowboy Bill Watts's pasture right next to our farm while a helicopter filmed overhead. Cool, right?
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